Monday, January 16, 2012

So it goes.

Well, I think most of you guys know what happened next, but I'll want to look back and remember this in ten years, so here it is. On Thursday 1/5 I went in for an ultrasound with the ultrasound tech. The monitor for the patient to watch is broken, so I waited until the tech had talked to my doctor before I knew anything. My doctor finally came in, said I had an ectopic pregnancy on the left side, and that I was going to have surgery right then. She then asked if I had a cell phone to call my husband, and left so she could call the hospital. She eventually came back and talked to me a little more, but basically I had an ectopic pregnancy that had been missed in the last two ultrasounds, and a bunch of internal bleeding caused by it, and needed surgery immediately. So Scott called my sister-in-law, who came over to watch the kids, and I headed over to the hospital next door. Unfortunately, Scott got there just a few minutes before I had to go into surgery.

Now, I had an inguinal hernia repair when I was 4, and it was the most scary, painful thing, and the memories of it have overshadowed most of my early childhood. And so I am scared to death of surgery, and it was just awful. The anesthesiologist was really nice though, so that was good. When I woke up I was just so full of sadness. I had lost two babies, my doctor told me I had a huge cyst on my right ovary, and now I had lost my left fallopian tube, so I was worried that now I'd never be able to get pregnant again. And it hurt. Eventually Scott came in, and I was able to go home a few hours later. I pretty much only stayed in bed for the next two days, and everything just hurt. i felt bad for my poor kids, especially Max, because I couldn't hold them or anything, and it seemed like every time Max was near me he kicked me in the belly.

The really amazing thing was all of the love and help from friends and family. It just blew me away. We had tons of people bring us dinners, and my friend Rachel brought us groceries twice, and someone brought me really pretty flowers, and everyone offered to help. We're so grateful for all the great friends we have, and how immediately they were willing to give and serve.

I've been doing pretty well emotionally, for the most part. It did all crash down on me pretty terribly on Saturday, because I couldn't remember how big twin size quilts are, so I searched for "twin quilt" on Flickr, and saw page after page full of pictures of twins of all ages with their adorable quilts that their mommies and grandmas had made them, and I lost it a little.

Now I am doing pretty well. They did laprascopic surgery, so I have a big incision in my belly button (weird!) and three others on my lower abdomen. They still hurt a little, and inside my belly still hurts a little, but all in all I'm pretty much recovered. I can pick up Max, and today I went to Target and vacuumed, so things are pretty good. I had a follow-up exam with my doctor today, and she said everything looked fine. She told me that when she did the surgery I had about 350mls of old blood in my abdomen, so she almost did a blood transfusion, but decided not to, which is good. She said that it looked like the ectopic pregnancy had been leaking blood for a while, but hadn't exploded yet, so that was why I could still function. She was really amazed that I was functioning as well as I was. She also told me (after I asked) that the pathology from the lab showed that the pregnancy was mostly placental tissue, and there was a "fetal pole" but no heartbeat, no organs, no form--it was basically a mass of tissue. I can't tell you how relieved this made me feel. I was picturing a normal 9-week-old baby that got cut out of my tube and then left in some surgery tray to die, and I was so happy to find out that that wasn't the case with me. My doctor said she saw two cases while she was a resident 20 years ago that were perfectly developed 12-week babies, and that it was "absolutely heartbreaking" to do surgery on them, because they were alive and perfect, and there was no way to save them or move them to the uterus or anything. I have to admit, her language made me feel much better. As cool as Star Wars is, no one wants an emotionless robot caring for them, especially in something like this.

Surprisingly, I think this last week or so has been one of the happiest times for our family. Maybe not happiest, but most content. I have been able to appreciate Scott a LOT, since he had to completely take care of me, and all the kids, and the house, for pretty much an entire week, and he was amazing. I am so lucky to have married someone so good. And I think he saw how much work it is, and was able to appreciate me more too. And even though we're sad, we have a very strong knowledge that our family is loved, both by our friends and family, and by our Heavenly Father, and that even though we really do not understand why all this happened, we know that it will be OK. And because we were sealed in the Temple, we know that we'll get to meet those two babies some day.


  1. I followed you over here from Swoon flicker group. Heartbreaking is all I can say. Hugs to you!

  2. im so sorry must be hard and you sound really strong and amazing as always.. and im so sad that im so far away that i can't really help you...or your family. but here is a *hug* from all of us... and know that you guys are in our prayers....