Monday, December 26, 2011

About time for an update...

Well, I guess it's about time I write down some stuff. Just to warn you, this will be awfully complainey and full of way too much information.

So, this has been the hardest month I can remember. On the first I started having a cold, (and had to go to the dentist, but that wasn't too terrible). By the third I was pretty much miserable, and stayed that way for the next 2 1/2 weeks. Scott's parents were here for a week, which was awesome--I just wish I hadn't been so sick the whole time! It's hard to pay attention to things and do stuff when you can't smell or taste or hear or breathe properly. Then, on the 11th, I started what seemed to be a period--but it was the third in 6 weeks, and only 2 weeks from the last one, so I was a little worried. You know, like what happened when I found out I was pregnant with Max. So, Scott went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and it was positive. So we were half excited and half scared. Because 5 kids is a lot, and we know that 21 months apart is WAY harder than 27 months apart; and because I was worried that it might be a real miscarriage this time. I was still super sick at this point, and Tuesday was probably the worst night of my life. I had a sinus infection too--my head hurt and my face hurt and I couldn't sleep and my belly hurt and I was all weak and anemic and it was just terrible. So I went to the doctor on Wednesday. She was worried it might be ectopic, but said there was less bleeding than she thought there would be, so she was still hopeful. I got an injection of Rhogam (because I'm B- blood type and Scott's something +, so my body might try to attack his babies, so I always get to get a big shot in the butt to prevent my body from being all mean), and I got blood drawn to check my hormone and hCG levels. She also prescribed me antibiotics for my sinus infection, which was awesome. I went back Friday for more bloodwork, and my doctor called me about Wednesday's bloodwork. My hCG was 1400-something, which was lower than it was with Max, so once she said that my heart dropped, but then she said, "Congratulations! Are you excited!?" And I was a little taken aback--I thought we were going to wait for the second blood results to get excited, but she seemed hopeful, so we started hoping over the weekend. We thought about rearranging car seats, and bunk beds, and maybe moving, and wow, 5 kids IS a lot, and what we would name the poor kid if it was a boy, and all those things you get excited about when you are pregnant. So then a different doctor from the practice called us on Monday with the 2nd blood results--hCG was 1300-something. It's supposed to double every 48 hours, and instead it went down. So. No more baby. She was still worried it might be ectopic, so I got an appointment for an ultrasound on Thursday the 22nd. So, I was sick from my cold/sinus infection, sick from being a little pregnant for a little while, sick from bleeding, and an emotional wreck. Finally the ultrasound day came, and the doctor confirmed that there was no heartbeat, and that it wasn't ectopic, so now I just had to wait. Also, Max got 4 new teeth this week, including 2 molars, so he was not the happiest guy.

So I don't know how familiar you all are with miscarriages, but it's not just like, "Oh, the baby died, now it's all over." You still have to deliver that baby. I got a prescription for some hard core pain meds, and felt yucky for three days. Then, right after the kids opened their first present on Christmas morning, I went to the bathroom, and almost passed out (which was super scary) felt like my body was breaking in half, and managed to crawl into bed. Scott brought me the meds and I managed to swallow them and three bites of bread, and slept for like 3 hours. I managed to crawl out of bed so the kids could open the rest of their presents, then went back to sleep while Scott & the kids went to church. It was terrible. I just felt weak and awful all day. I woke up again when they got home and we did stockings, then I went back to bed when they went to Scott's brother's house. I felt a little better when they got home and had some leftovers (our fancy Christmas dinner) and took a shower.  Then after the kids went to bed Scott & I were watching some shows he got for his birthday, and it started hurting real bad. So I took some more meds, which didn't do much this time. I've had 4 kids you guys, and two of those were completely drug-free, and this was way worse. It's like one giant steady growing contraction, that doesn't come and go every couple minutes, but instead just keeps getting worse and worse. Just turning my head made my belly hurt. Finally Scott had to help me get up off the couch, and I stumbled to the bathroom in tears. I'm not sure how long I was there, but eventually the pain started to ease a little, so I went back to the living room. I was only about 7 weeks, so nothing looked like anything, just some lumpy stuff. But it was awful. Painful and awful and so sad. So we stayed up really late watching TV, and eventually the pain went down enough that I could go to bed. So that was our worst Christmas ever. And poor Scott is exhausted too, and I think suffering from compassion fatigue since I've been so sick and worthless for the last month. And these last 2 weeks have been terrible for both of us, with so many ups and downs and hoping and then being sure there was nothing to hope for.

Today I'm still not doing so great--I feel like I just gave birth to a normal-sized baby, except I don't have a baby. I have all the pain and weakness and awfulness, and the hormonal emotional roller-coaster of pregnancy and birth. So I'm just waiting until I heal, and can be healthy again, and move past all this. But I'm sad that we lost a baby. Even though we only knew about that baby for two weeks, and most of that time we were at least worried that we'd lose it, it still is painful. And I'm so grateful for my other 4 kids, and I love them so much, but, look how awesome they are! Another would have been just as amazing.

This is a great article about pregnancy loss. It's great for knowing what to say or do for people that have lost a baby:  Do's and Do Nots

Anyway, we would love your prayers and happy thoughts for us.